The Importance of a Support System
No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.
John Donne (1624)
The importance of a support system is beautifully expressed in the quote above. This famous saying — no man is an island — describes the inter-connectedness of the human experience. Nobody can make it alone, their own island in the sea. We need others to help us survive and thrive. We’re a society of teachers, doctors, builders, and everything else, and none of us can do it all.
Even this guy, who lived alone in the woods for twenty-seven years, had to sneak into town to steal supplies every once in awhile. His hermetic lifestyle wasn’t possible without the unwitting support of his neighbors.
So, exactly how many people do we need?
This raises a question: If we can’t make it entirely on our own, then how many people do we really need?
More than one
Somewhere along the way, many of us have come to believe that, emotionally speaking, that answer is ‘one.’ After ourselves, we just need one more: a significant other.
The Significant Other has come to represent the panacea of all of life’s problems. As the name implies, this is the significant person in your life — whether you call him or her your significant other, your partner, or your other half. Maybe even your better half. All of these suggest that this person is the final piece of the puzzle.
This is a recipe for a bad time.
When you expect one person to do it all
If we expect too much of a relationship, we can become disappointed when this partner fails to fulfill every emotional need.
And if you’re single, you could go on lamenting how empty and incomplete your life is . . . and how your every need will be fulfilled when you finally catch The One.
No one person can emotionally support us in every way we will need to be supported throughout our lives. It’s unrealistic to expect our partners to have all the same hobbies, interests, skills, and dreams that we do.
Just like you can’t reasonably expect your partner to have the skills to fix the roof, manage your investment portfolio, and fill your cavities, you can’t expect him or her to anticipate or fill all of your emotional needs. No one person can do it all.
No man is an island . . . and no couple is, either.
What is a support system?
A support system, simply, is an informal network of people you rely on — emotionally or practically. The usual suspects are family members, friends, coworkers, and neighbors. It could also be members of voluntary organizations, religious groups, teammates, or online buddies.
In our increasingly isolated lives, a full support system can be harder to find and maintain than it used to be. A third of Americans haven’t met their neighbors. Over half of Americans don’t even trust their neighbors.
If we consider the evolutionary function of communities — to make it easier to share resources and therefore survive — these should be troubling stats.
Benefits of a support system
Here’s the flip side: a survey of more than 300,000 people by Brigham Young University has suggested that people who report having adequate support systems tend to live longer. This holds for men and women of all ages and regardless of health conditions. These stats really drive home the importance of a support system.
Many other studies highlight additional benefits of a strong support system, including:
- higher self-esteem
- a better ability to cope with stress
- feeling more in-control of your life
- . . . and more!
If you don’t have a healthy support system, it can be easy to put too much pressure on a significant other (or best friend) to pick up the slack — to help you decompress from work, watch your favorite TV shows, exchange gossip, and go see your favorite band on a Tuesday night. And if this person can’t muster up the energy or interest in an activity you’d like them to share with you, you may come to believe that he or she isn’t being supportive enough . . . not that you haven’t built the support system you need.
Building a support system
Building a support system can be hard. If you’ve moved to a new area, have a new addition to the family, or have had a significant relationship change or loss. Or, maybe it just takes you a little while to open up. Whatever the case, I recommend expanding your support system by getting involved in the things you are interested in or passionate about.
Here are a few ideas:
- Look for a meetup.com group that interest you
- Find a place to volunteer
- Pick up a local paper and check the schedule of events
- If there’s a university nearby, see if they have any seminars or interesting events
- Take a local class — art, music, cooking, music, etc
- Join an intramural league
- If you’re religious, get active in your church or religious community
- If you have kids, get to know their friends’ parents or join a parent group such as the PTA
- Join (or create) a book/movie club
- Invite a neighbor/coworker/friend of a friend over (or out) for dinner
- Ask a friend or neighbor over to watch a sporting event
And, finally:
- Say ‘yes’ to others’ invitations
This last one deserves its own paragraph. If the only change you make is to say ‘yes’ to more invitations, your social life can fill up surprisingly quickly. Reflect for a moment on invitations you’ve turned down in the past — to join a fantasy sports league, to hang out with coworkers after work, to see a movie or concert you don’t know or maybe don’t even like. If you want to build your support system, make it a point to challenge your own assumptions and give things a chance. Openness is key to social connection.
These are just a few ideas to get your mind working. The principle is: think about what you’re interested in, and put yourself in a position to connect with others who are interested in the same stuff. And if an invitation comes your way, take the chance and say ‘yes.’
We know it takes a village to raise a child. As it turns out, it also takes a village to be emotionally well.
References:
- Cacioppa J, Patrick, W (2008). Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. W. W. Norton & Company.
- Holt-Lunstad J, Smith TB, Layton JB (2010). Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review. PLoS Med 7 (7)
Photo credits:
- By Banfield1 at English Wikipedia, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=14482430
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