How to Make Friends as an Adult

It’s hard to make friends as an adult

. . . and it seems to be getting harder.

We are in the midst of a loneliness epidemic — forty percent of Americans report that they are lonely, and over a quarter of Americans live alone. The COVID-19 pandemic has not done anything to make this easier.

Despite current challenges — or perhaps because of them — it is worth it to put in the effort to nurture and build friendship. Research indicates that regular, face-to-face interaction with others correlates with a host of mental and physical health benefits. So how do you make friends as an adult?

Two routes to friendship as an adult

There are two broad categories in which friendship occurs: on the fast-track and organically.

Fast-track friendship

This is a friendship you build quickly, because you have reason to believe you will not see this person again with any regularity.

Opportunities for fast-track friendship occur whenever you’re out-and-about and strike up a conversation with someone. Maybe you’re at a social event in your city, and you see that the person standing next to you has a common interest. Examples include:

• this person is with his or her kids, which are the same age as your kids
• you are thinking of getting your hair done in the same way this person has
• this person is wearing a t-shirt of your favorite band/vacation spot/brand

In each of these examples is some sort of physical indication of shared interest. This is an easy way to connect with someone at a general event. But if you haven’t seen this person before, there’s reason to assume you aren’t likely to see him or her again. Therefore, if you want to build a relationship with this person, you are in a ‘now or never’ moment.

It is important to recognize that these sort of fast-track of connections are not only harder to make, but also harder to ‘convert’ into real friendship. You do not have the benefit of time to build rapport, trust, or shared experience. Occasionally, however, they can turn into wonderful and lasting friendships.

A formula for building fast-track friendship

The key is to act quickly. When you strike up a conversation with someone you don’t expect to see again, here’s a simple formula for how to build on the opportunity.

1. Ask to exchange information
2. State interest in meeting up for a similar event in the future

Here are a few examples:

• If you meet someone at a concert, suggest that you’d be open to meeting up at another concert or music event in the future
• If you meet someone at a sporting event, invite this person to another sporting event in the future
• If you meet someone at a dog park, suggest that you’d be open to meeting up again to let the dogs play together

The common thread in these examples is to stay within the realm of the interest that brought you together while communicating an openness to meet up again. You already know this person is open to this sort of experience, so capitalize on that.

Someone you meet at a concert/sporting event/dog park may or may not also be into sewing, or boating, or hiking, or whatever your other interests may be, but you can be certain that this person is open to concerts/sports/dog parks, because you know they have already done it!

It’s worth reiterating that while fast-track connections are worth pursuing, it can be difficult to turn them into last friendships and therefore it is important to have realistic expectations about them.

Organic friendship

An organic friendship is one that grows over time through shared experience.

During our school years, when friendship tends to come the easiest, we are side-by-side our peers day-in and day-out for months on end. In this sort of environment, friendship tends to arise organically. We don’t have to make much of an effort to ‘put ourselves out there’. Rather, we make friends because we happen to share space and time with people of the same cohort as us.

Think about your first few friends from grade school. If you’re like me, you probably don’t even remember how these early friendships began — they just happened.

For some of us, the workplace gives us a similar opportunity in adulthood. We work side-by-side with coworkers and colleagues — sometimes for years if not decades. This allows friendship to grow organically. Someone we don’t think we have much in common with becomes a close ally after a year or two ‘in the trenches’, so to speak. Shared experiences are social glue.

But some of don’t have the opportunity or good fortune to build friendship organically in adulthood. There are a variety of reasons why a workplace isn’t conducive to friend-making. You may work from home, at a small company with limited opportunity to socialize, or you may just not have much in common with your coworkers.

A formula for building organic friendship

The best way to make friends in adulthood is to seek out settings in which organic friendship is likely to arise.

Here’s a simple formula for creating an environment in which friendships can organically emerge:

1. find something social that you like to do
2. do this thing regularly with others who share the same interest

Here are a few examples:

• If you have an interest in board games, seek out a regular board game meet up in your area.
• If you have an interest in books, look for a regular book club in your area
• If you have an interest in hiking, find a regular hiking group or meetup

You may find that there are several such groups for your specific interest. In that case, it may be worth it to try out them all and see if one feels like the most natural fit for you, as the different groups may skew toward different demographics, skill levels, etc.

The key, though, once you have found a good enough fit (no fit will be perfect), is to make a long-term commitment to this group, and then have enough patience to let for organic connection happen.

How long of a commitment is enough? Give it at least six months, and preferably longer. This will give you enough time to settle in, let your guard down, and get comfortable with the group, while also allowing them to get to know you. Six months will give you enough time to create a small set of shared experiences that not only nurture the bonding process, but also form the basis of shared memory.

Once you feel that you have connected with someone in your group on a deeper level, and have found other areas of common interest outside of the one that has brought you together, then ask that person to join you in doing this other shared interest.

For example:

• If you have decided to attend a regular board game meet up, then after several months you get to know one or more people who also share your interest in Marvel movies. When a new Marvel movie comes out, ask this person(s) if he or she is interested in going to see it with you.
• If you have decided to attend a regular hiking meet up, and you get to know one or more people in the group who also enjoys kayaking, then ask that person(s) if he or she wants to go on a kayaking day-trip with you.

Making friends is hard, and takes patience, but it is worth the effort. These two strategies can help you to make the best of the opportunities available to you.

Learn more

Subscribe to the monthly newsletter to receive summaries of new articles.

Articles

The Importance of a Support System

All or Nothing Thinking: The Limited World of Black and White

Mental Filtering: Do You Filter Out the Good or the Bad?