Should Statements: The Peril of Rigid Expectations

Should statements are cognitive distortions, or faulty thought patterns, in which a person knowingly or unknowingly creates rigid expectations that in turn lead to unnecessary distress.

Should statements are one of the “sneakier” cognitive distortions in that they become so ingrained in our thought habits that we don’t even realize we are making these errors, even when we are on the lookout for them.

Therefore, this is a cognitive distortion that deserves especially close attention. In this article we’ll review several examples of should statements and an exercise to eliminate them.

A man anxiously watching his phone. Rigid expectations and should statements cause can set us up for disappointment. — A man waits for a text that he believes *should* have come by now.

Examples of should statements

The following are examples of should statements:

Noah is depressed because he believes he should be further along his ideal career path than he is currently.
Sophia is anxious because she thinks she should have received a text from her love interest by now.
Bryan is angry with himself because he thinks he should have known that he wasn’t going to receive a job offer.

In each of these examples, the individual is feeling distress because he or she is facing an outcome that is different from what he or she believed should have happened. The outcome itself may or may not be negative — the unmet expectation itself is the primary issue that is causing the distress.

Rules real and imagined

Should statements primarily relate to imagined or self-imposed rules rather than actual laws or established social norms.

Laws and norms: when should statements are appropriate*

It isn’t a cognitive distortion to believe that one should not exceed the speed limit while driving. This is a law created with the input of transportation experts for the purpose of community safety. There are real consequences of breaking this law, including the natural consequences of a higher risk of accident or death, and punitive consequences such as speeding tickets and driver’s license suspension.

It also isn’t a cognitive distortion to believe that one should generally heed well-established social norms. For example, we should make an effort cover our mouths when we could in public. The root of this norm is the health of the community — coughing spreads germs. This isn’t a law, but it’s a well-established social norm, and breaking too many of these social norms can have real consequences including negative reactions from peers or even social ostracization.

Should statements rise to the level of cognitive distortions when, generally speaking, there is no logical foundation for the expectation, and instead the expectation is more a matter of personal preference.

*Of course, there may be compelling and/or ethical reasons to break some laws or norms under some circumstances, such as in the case of an imminent crisis or when the law or norm is fundamentally unjust, but these exceptions are beyond the scope of this article.

When and why should statements cause distress

To run with an example above, Sophia is anxious because she hasn’t received a response to the text message she sent to a love interest earlier in the day. She tells herself she should have received a response by now if the interest were mutual, and therefore she begins to panic about the prospect of unrequited feelings.

By using a should statement to describe this scenario, she has set a rigid expectation for herself that blinds her to factors that could be contributing to the love interest’s failure to respond. Among the many reasons he may not have responded to her text, a few examples may be:

he’s be busy at work
he hasn’t seen the message yet
he may be sick or asleep
he may be managing with some sort of crisis or urgent task
he may be dealing with anxiety himself about how to respond to her text
he may not feel like texting at the moment
finally, he may not be interested in her romantically (this is the one she fears)

By telling herself that he should have responded by now if her feelings were mutual, she has set up an expectation that negates all possibilities but the last one — that he’s not interested. While her fear may indeed prove true, it also may not. But if she fails to consider alternatives, her rigid expectation may lead to negative outcomes including a negative self-fulfilling prophecy in which she begins to act in such a way as to make her fear more likely to actualize. At the least, it can lead to unnecessary emotional distress, such as worrying excessively about an outcome that doesn’t materialize.

Turn your should statements into could statements

The most efficient way to eliminate should statements is to replace them with could statements.

While should statements are rigid, could statements are flexible. When we say that something could happen, we are inherently acknowledging that this outcome is one possibility among a plurality. This naturally leads us to consider a wider range of possible outcomes.

Replace “I/he/she/they should ,” with “I/he/she/they could _.”

By simply replacing our should statements with could statements, we can increase our mental flexibility, which in turn may decrease our emotional distress related to unmet rigid expectations.